I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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