he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
