Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
