my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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