what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
