When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
