i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
