I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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