I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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