I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
