respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
