girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My pussy is not your playground.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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