Your dad touched me again.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize