it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
