if only i could text you this smell
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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