I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
