Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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