I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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