I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
