I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
