that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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