Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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