Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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