I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
