good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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