So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
