she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
