i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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