i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
