I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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