you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
