I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
