thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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