Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
