WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
