dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
