i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
