Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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