I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
