can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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