What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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