i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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