He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize