Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
