How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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