I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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