No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
