Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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