Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
