Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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