Apparently you make a good broom.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
