There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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