god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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