Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
