I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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