I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
