Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
