id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
