He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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