so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
