My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
