Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
