Yo dont text me then not text me
I seem to have left my pride at pride
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
